Joyless Living

Things are easy to get caught up in...things like sports teams. Have a favorite? Maybe you are a fanatic. A favorite pasttime? Perhaps you can't get enough fishing, reading, or piano time. I am guilty. My often involve inward journeys. I get caught up in worry, self-hatred, negativity, and doubt. My one track mind likes to play out the worst case scenero for everything. So a confession is forthwith coming. For the longest time I have been caught up in the whirlwind of the postmodern, what's-wrong-with-the-organized-church, the sky is falling discussion. In all of my reading, discussions, and complaints - has this helped me to grow? Grow more cynical perhaps. Grow angry at the errors of our ways. Angry at government or leaders. Much of what is being publised by Christian publishers fuels this fire. I grab a book know that it will grow my discontent but I read it anyway. Is my anger righteous? Is my frustration founded? Perhaps. More likely it is piety and pride.

See I am the chief of sinners. I can point out your sin, the churches sin, and the world's sin. Yet I cannot face myself in the mirror. I cannot stand before God and say "here is my sin Lord". Because that would require surrender. That would require me to die to myself.

Yet here I find myself in the midst of Grace. God who is faithful and just is willing to forgive. Willing to say "my child I love you and I forgive you." Now I must face the mirror. I must fall on my knees before the cross.

The truth is I will probably not cause the next revival. I will not save the world. In fact I cannot even save myself. It is God who loves and acts and moves in and through me that brings about any good. It is God who saves. I am looking at the plank in my eye and asking God to remove it. I desire to serve and obey. The church may not be perfect. It may be modern and the world may be passing it by. But is my love. It is my home. It is where grace falls like rain. It is where I shall live in joy all the days of my life.